Late night thoughts. Brought to you by the vastness of the human mind.

I was conflicted on whether or not to post this on my blog site, or on here, or to even share at all. Well since I like to give my cause before I do the damage, the prerequisite of knowledge required to understand this; is that we are all unique. We all have errors, barren spots within our prospective goals, and yearnings. We all want to feel wanted. We all want to create a connection with someone. The sole distribution of yourself is based on compassion for connection, for a sense of well being. I don’t want to constitute a disbelieve that I am all well, that I am balanced in all aspects of life. That I’m grasping perfection, that I’m capable of distributing my insight and my perspective on certain material. I think that the mind can be one of the most tormenting things in life. The mind torments the soul. The ferry pulls out of the port but we are left behind. WE feel as if the divider among success and failure is expression. That is not only profound expression( which I can’t hate on because I thoroughly enjoy diving deep into the mind and it’s immense capabilities. Unless of course, you’re referring to the Devil’s work; Calculus or math in general, then we are entailing an entirely different story.), expression that is extroverted. The connotation of introverted kind of is negative. Maybe, it’s just in my eyes but it seems to be such a depressive disability. For instance, I find myself writing a different story for some people to see. In public I might put up a front, one that is expressive, and prominent in the discussion. When, I would rather act like a sponge and see what how the conversation unravels. 

On a side note, a good friend is a great virtue in life isn’t it. The benevolent mind wants to express, to connect, to find purpose. A good companion can check all the boxes. I appreciate all the great friends I have. I ask for direction from God 24/7, I also thank Him for the special people He surrounded me with. God give me direction. Man, this is a long post. If you made it this far, how are you feeling? How was your week? Day? Anything on your mind?

Attention

HERE WE GO_____

 

Chapter 9:

I want it so bad sometimes. Sometimes I yearn it so extreme that I dry all compassion, I pulp all the creativity away, I limit my potential to plead for an audience. I find it difficult to limit these feelings. The composition of passion demands all attention, all the passion, all interest. The back bone to success is passion, without it, the heart of innovation stops beating. Tormenting these thoughts can be, these impulses. I find myself creating another being to coincide with these feelings. A being that can solve the mystery. This being is a white flag though, a dying attempt to create a composite that is desirable for attention. I live in a fortitude within myself. I let go of my true self. I create this to find contentment. What’s ironic about it, is that this contentment isn’t worth fighting for, because it’s artificial. It lacks the necessary materials to last a lifetime.

I understand that God is the one I should be fulfilling this hollow shell with. I read passages like John 5:44 which says: “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?” I realize after reading this that Earthly, human passions don’t fulfill ourselves properly. They are futile in the end. What strikes me is that it is phrased in a question. “How?” This hits me to the core. This makes me ponder and when I’ve realized I’ve found no light at the end of the tunnel, I take into account the message.

This verse though; Matthew 6:1-4 I think can be read more clearly because of it’s specific objective. It reads:”Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. “So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. “But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,” One can get so caught up in showing compassion that they fail to maintain the memory of the roots of love. The roots of love call for unselfishness yet it can be so tempting to fall into the trap of self-absorption. This is for the naive but we are all a tad naive at our weakest, and when we gain a ton of attention we can greatly diminish the strong foundation we once had. It is so tempting to show off your accomplishments, your gratefulness, your willingness to act, but the temptations have to be withheld. How do we do this though? The fact that we are all human. We were all born in sin. Conquered by the dread of shortcomings, the weariness of feeling alone, the turbulence of trailing away from the path most traveled by. The terrorizing fact of the matter is we can never crawl out. WE can never shine a path by our lonesome self. We can never appeal to our own self image, or own aspirations that rely on attention. We can only hope to last long enough to see a glimpse of this happen. The success. The overcoming, not the shortcoming.

You can travel your mind for decades, distributing your “charismatic self,” your self made portrait. You can ask for companionship. You can debunk all of your former forbidden laws, to cast out a spell on society. You can go through trail and error, continuously for the rest of your life. You can attempt, but there is simply no success in it. You must stay true to yourself and to God. Some people are afraid to look over their own walls. They hide, hoping to escape reality. The bask in it. They follow the motionless path. They forbid themselves from wondering. They coward away from fear, yet live in it. They’ll look through a tiny hole in the fence, to find jealousy. They want it so bad. I’ve been this person and sometimes still am. The mindset is easy to obtain but I don’t recommend it. The enemy becomes yourself. To this person, who I can relate to, as I can relate to the individual who is the opposite, I ask, I plead of you to build courage. Take a step. Obtain true passion. Follow the dreams you once had. The dreams that you murdered. The dreams that you hid for the fear of judgement. Find your direction and follow the path. Don’t worry about the people. If people enjoy your true self, they will follow and accompany you on this expedition. These are your true friends. The once you can trust. The casted spell will drift away and you can live comfortably in knowing that you can walk, you can see, you can feel a glimpse of hope. The fertile grounds of your mind can begin to sprout ideas. You can express ambitions, you can reveal unvarnished tales. You can begin to understand the past, the present and the future. Escape from the mess you created. Become the person you were meant to be. I know it won’t happen right away, but fight. Continue to grow everyday. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Phat

mind20maze

 

 

Chapter 8:

Subcategory: Living with a house full of brothers.

It basically coincides with misery. Misery is my companion on this journey that is near it’s end. It is a concrete sculpture created by a culture that is founded by mockery, competitiveness, and some sort of wit. When you get to the point where physically pain becomes a tolerant pain, life seems dull in this society of growing men. The next game to play is the psychological one. The one that tears away at eternal strings. They leave a lasting impression on you, one that you can look back on and sort of laugh at and say: ” hey, that scar is from brother number 2 or number 3,” and so on. I’ve always found it a little comical that I prayed so dearly for one brother and ended up receiving three. They all have a certain thing that bothers me. It’s hilarious. I’m sure others might find them decent but the small things add up and boy do they smack you in the face. We know most everything about each other.

As you grow older, you enter a detective game. One that you either play or hide from. You spend your time waiting for the moment for their weakness to be revealed. For the moment you can turn it against them. It’s deadly. I mean it’s not all hate, sometimes you can go too far. Sometimes you can take the game too far and ruin a bond that is seemingly unbreakable. Sometimes you can try to connect but find your self digging a hole. I like to think that if you pull the right chords it’s a classic game of brotherhood, a tradition among  testosterone filled beings. I like to think once I leave for college, I metaphorically pass the torch to the next in line, to defend the belt. To use his wit, to mock his fellow oppressors. I like to believe that it becomes something that when we get older we can share the stories with each other.

Being a brother is difficult though. It’s something that you have to balance. Between the fights, the arguments, the ” who stole the snack I was saving,” to who took my favorite thing, you have to balance with actual ( oh God, here it comes) love. The unbearable fact. Theres the moments where you pretend to like each other to avoid the deadly punishment of the monarchy that resides in the household but that’s different. That’s simple, except there’s always that one brother who doesn’t understand and screws it up for the whole pack. That’s beside the point though. The point is, there’s something there that you should definitely look into. A brotherly bond is something that is difficult but is something that is worth reaching for. It’s difficult to connect. Just like in society there is different people, with different viewpoints, different opinions on things. Even in this confined example their is vastly different people. We’re all vastly inseparable yet separable at the same time. We are a paradox. That’s why I think it’s so difficult. The culprit is the paradox. We are so different yet the blood that runs through mine, or the name I carry, the place I reside in, are the same. You can’t change these facts. We are together. God put us together for a reason.

I’m somewhat conflicted. On my first appeal I would like you to observe that I did attempt to bond with my brothers through my life. I tried so, so hard. One is very silent, on is dramatically loud, one is…something else. I think I’ve gotten better though and I’m sort of proud of it. Of course the glaring hole in my expedition is that I can’t remember their birthdays for life of me but that’s a personal problem that can only be subdued slightly. The major problem was that I could not find any connections. I tried to force it too much. That’s what I’ve learned. To connect you have to have a keen eye, one that can notice the subtleties that you think you could connect with. These connections don’t have to be a prominent quality that you enjoy, they can be as simple as the way they talk, their favorite food, favorite sport. It may sound silly, but I found it to be successful. These are tiny pieces that you can build upon. Of course don’t get your camera out and observe them like their some wildebeest in the wild and forward it to Animal Planet. I’m saying be down to Earth. Go down to their level. My problem was I would always try to take them to my level and that would strain them too far. I’m still working on it. Like the last argument I had with my brother, one that I can’t get out of my mind. This is my brother who is sort of funny (he’s growing on me.) and extremely loud. He also finds it hilarious to mock me by copying whatever I say or do. So I gave of a simple remark: “I sure am phat.” He paused for a moment. I saw a glimmer in his eye. He probably thought this is my chance. He came back with a snickering response, and a small grin. Then he muttered:”You’re Phat.” After I explained the definition, he I suppose, pleaded for ignorance and plotted a plan in his head. Then, after a couple of incoherent statements, he waved the white flag. A tiny victory, that I will bask in for the momentary silence until the next remark to be thrown. Anyways that was a small tangent that I had to get off my chest. Hopefully the observation findings that I’ve posted in this article don’t come off as futile to you. I believe they functional for a life that is relatable to that of mine. I must escape this post now because my dog has just had his bath and has found it to be his best interest in spraying everyone with his cleanliness.

Adieu, my fellow companions.

Shading

darkness-08

2 Corinthians 4:6

For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

 

Sometimes I feel the darkness dwells deep. It caresses my life. A prominent being that carries me away from the life I yearn. The terrible waves crash the burning soul that lives within, the burning flame that wants to reflect upon the world. A light that was meant to reflect, a light meant to continue to burn, a light that is supposed to fuel. Yet the crashing waves turn the tables, the waves thrash the life I want to live. Maybe I’m just over thinking it, but maybe it’s something that is serious. Maybe, it’s something we should all look into, but maybe it’s something we don’t have to look into for some. For some, the light has diminished completely, and sadly the darkness has engulfed all hope. This is something that scares me. This is something that tears away at my heart. I don’t like seeing anyone lose hope. I despise the moments in life when I see potential lost, or I see people who’ve given up. This tears at my core.

The waves diminish. The sink back into their turbulent being. They take with them the faith of a once strong man. What is left is empty. Shameful. Lost. The terrible conscience has overcome the faith. The man, the woman, the child, has brought down expectation, they’re overwhelmed, they’re empty, they’re buried within them. I’ve experienced the last part for a good majority of my life. True happiness had not been realized until I found the Lord. I was lost. I even do this now, though. I bury myself in doubt, losing faith, I reach for nothing. I reach and reach. I only catch sadness, depression. I find more doubt. I find solitude, contemptness in the darkness I suppose for a little while. The dark becomes my home. The outer image becomes an image of motion while the inward being is the true self. The virtues of society, the companionship that I’ve been blessed to have, unappreciated.

I become a wandering fish in a murky lake. I coincide with the reality of the situation. When I see a hook, I bite hoping for the best. I wish to be successful but find nothing but the terrible consequence for my action. I continue to swim, lacking knowledge of the outer world. How to share, how to connect. The darkness becomes a companion. A friend within the unclear life I reside in. I talk to it, discuss my thoughts, create things. I turn around and see the bright light, hope. I run, but the darkness runs after me. It drags with it the responsibility of the past.

You see, this might seem strange. I apologize, unfortunately that’s the only way I can express my thoughts. The point I’m getting to is, that you don’t have to carry the weight of the past on your shoulders. I know this might seem like something unreasonable at first. Trust me though, hindsight is 20/20, I’ve experienced the light, it’s in me. Yes, it may not be all bright and fluffy, 100% of the time, but with Jesus a new perspective on life is realized; you are made new. You don’t have to carry the weight of depression, you don’t have to carry the weight of solitude, you don’t have to live a life alone. You have a God that is more than willing to bring you into His glorious kingdom.

The thoughts might come back, but you know where to look now. The life of old is in the past. Your darkness becomes strength.

 

blurry_sun_by_merksch-d4t8uhy

Chapter 2:

The man awoke. The somber sun collapsed on him, warming to the extreme. The wind died down and the once crowded city had become a barren wasteland. The darkness inside of him grew gradually grew. He thought of the consequences he had cost society. He broke the system, but the system was what held everything together. He inspired himself to rise up out of his somber to meet the bright face of a woman. She had elegant hair that cascaded ever so softly over her well sculptured face. She had dark brown eyes, but they had a glimmer to them that sunk into the man’s soul. He noticed a deep scar that was painted across her forehead. Her brow bruised. The….”Hey. What’s your name?”

“Oh, my name? I don’t…know.” She gave him a strange face yet it still appealed to him. She slapped him. The man jumped back. “What? What was that for?” “Be honest with me, I’m all you’ve got buddy.” The man hesitated. She gave him a face of question to respond. “So? What is it?” The man looked around, the face of the woman grew blurry and the surroundings clear. He couldn’t hear the sounds that he always loved hearing. The sound of people. Even though he wasn’t in tune with them, he appreciated greatly the beauty and uniqueness of them. He considered himself something else, a loner. A man secluded from all categorizations, all variables.

To Be Continued…

Exalted Attentiveness

save-the-ocean-tips_13821_600x450

(National Geographic)

 

Chapter 7:

The piece of scripture I read today struck me. It is from Acts 2:14-41, Peter’s sermon at Pentecost. He talks to the people about repenting and giving your life over to God. The God of promise, grace and love. Everything that He has promised has and will come true. He speaks of the end. The magnificent end of this world. The day when, the heavens will open, the clouds will separate, the sun will be turned to darkness, the Earth down below smoke and fire. He speaks out towards the people to repent, to save this crooked generation, to receive the Holy Spirit with all of its grace. Sometimes we forget, or at least I do forget what I’m blessed with. I forget that He lives in me. Sometimes, I walk mechanically through life. I can’t save the world with this mindset. I can’t wander away from the righteous path of glory. The fact of the matter, yes I do, and I do this a lot. I don’t know if you’ve experienced this tug of war with your life. Where at some points you feel that you are the holiest of the holy, I am the next prophet Lord bring on the responsibility. Yet, sometimes, even a day afterwards, that feeling becomes dry and stale. I feel terrible even saying that, but that’s my true feelings about it. When you’ve accepted Jesus as your Savior, that day is glorious. That day is all powerful. That day feels like it will never end. It does, though, the reality of day to day craziness hits you right back. Sometimes the weight of the world can be too strong for you.

So the main problem here is we need to be attentive and in this day and age, that might be the most difficult task. We need to have exalted attentiveness. We have the Lord within us, we need to have His attention to detail. This is extremely difficult to prepare yourself for, to execute, to believe in. I can’t even watch a thirty minute video on YouTube unless it really excites me anymore. I think we all have a little dose of ADD now and days. We must pursue this attentiveness, with the best of our ability, though, that’s all we can hope for. It’s kind of strange to interject a Robert DeNiro quote in here, but it suits this point. He one time said, that it is better to pursue the moment, to give it your all basically, because even if it doesn’t turn out the best you still know you pursued it. God knows we aren’t perfect. He didn’t make us perfect. Even the most perfect of people, who might seem perfect aren’t, for instance Tom Brady. No, I’m playing around, don’t grab your pitchforks, yes, I’m a fan of his performance on the field. The main point I was getting to, was that God blesses us with the ability to turn towards Him in times of trouble. The key word there was “Blesses” because it seems odd in the context of the sentence. It seems remarkably out of place. The great thing about it is, that it isn’t. God wants us to come to Him in trouble. The power of God, the knowledge of God is all powerful, more than you could ever attain. He wants to shine His light through you. You have to be able to pursue the moment, to have attentiveness and the want-to.

God gives multiple chances throughout your life to shine His light. He wants to work through you. Maybe another problem might be, and I’ve struggled with this too, so don’t feel too bad, is that we think we need to work for Him. That it goes the other way around. We don’t realize it but we end up blocking out God. We end up blocking out the greatest motivator, the greatest teacher. We want Him to foster our lives, we want Him to invigorate our souls, our mind, our body. We want to promote Him, not ourselves. Point towards the Holy of the holiest. We are none of these. We might attain a very good ability to teach, but not as great as the Teacher. We don’t want to promote to our generation, to the future and the past generations, that we are the ones to look towards. We aren’t at all. You know this already though, we were born in sin, that’s why we can’t live a perfect life. That’s why we turn to the One who is perfect. There were plenty of other options for Jesus for His disciples. He could have chosen many, who were great at talking, great at motivating. He didn’t though, the ones he chose were the misfits. The ones like us. We must not be false teachers, we must act as a student, to become a great teacher. The valleys will open, the sky will brighten, the melancholy of life will still be there, oh yes it will but the greatest joy of life, the greatest act of kindness has already been executed by the One who wants you. The One who wants to open the gate doors. The One who wants to take you with Him to the Heaven above. The ringing of life, the bell of joy, the Lord has arrived, the day has come will be music to your ears. The glorious sight of our Lord will be the only light you see on that day, but it is the only thing you’re focused on.

The life that we live can be distracting. We can get lost in the sauce. The greatest tribute though, would be to live a life for Him .Not always having a perfect one, but one that looks towards God. One that is carried through the power of God. One that held in the gentle, yet strong hands of our Lord. One that we would look back on, when were 20 years old, when were 30, when were 40, 60, 70, when were talking to our kids. When we’re talking to our grandkids. We want to pursue a life we want to express to the masses. One that we aren’t living right now, one that has lived. One that lead a group of misfits to glory. One that died on the cross for our sins. One that rose from the grave, from the weight of our sins. One that ascended to Heaven and promised to come back again. Believe in His promise and believe in His will.

 

Fragmented

tumblr_mdba1v3rrh1r8jpfto1_500

 

Chapter 6:

I don’t know if you’ve had these moments but I hope you have. The moments where you feel as if you are stuck in the introduction of a story. You feel like you haven’t done anything. No accomplishments, no medals, no boundaries crossed, no innovations. The list can go on and on. I sit there and ponder the life that I want. I sit there and visualize outlets for my passions, I watch college lectures, I watch interviews, I research. I attempt to find a path that would be as I’ve said before, could fit into the puzzle. I don’t want to end up stuck. I don’t want to be contempt. I want to live in a world that is as close to a utopia as possible. I know, I realize that this world will not be filled with joy. I realize that life will always sustain its downfalls.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but the fact that sometimes I sit there and feel as if I’m stuck in space. I’m stuck. I live in this world of a daily routine where I become this robotic fixture. This machine that completes his duties and recycles his thoughts. A machine that is molded by what society wants me to be. They want me to have great test scores, they want me to have good grades, they want me to be a doctor, lawyer. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be a mindless robot. I don’t want to live in disgust of my own life. To live in regret of everything I’ve done.

I’ll search. I’ll find it. I know I will, with God’s light but the thoughts they always bother me. They twist my head to coincide with doubt, to correlate with failure. The rebound of life sometimes is insane. Sometimes you’ll feel like you have it all figured out. The world will quickly take that away from you. The people who stick their chest out never make it that far.

Sometimes I find comfort. Sometimes the streams of my mind can flow gently. The horizon very wide, the sun kisses my skin ever so softly but there are the times that this is not the case. The world within myself crashes down. The darkness creeps over the light. The conflicted mind will always bother me. I concluded that it might be a search for self improvement. Maybe it is some sort of perfectionist trait, but still the creature that is within is a blessing and a curse. In its own right, the mind I have doesn’t let me settle. Well, it’s a paradox. I’m always moving, yet my mind settles. The mind basks in the deep river, the ocean of thought. And one of my struggles is letting those thoughts out, letting those thoughts go into action. I might do decent. I might do well but the potential has not been reached. The height of the world, the uniqueness of the mind, and the complex simplicity of nature, I believe will never coincide. The drowning of my own being. The superstition of my own thought. The bible teaches that timidness is something that should be avoided. I feel like I’ve improved, but I’m not where I want to be ultimately. I want to be at a point where I can open up completely. I can spread my wings and soar through the world. Yet there is judgement. Alex, you should be able to take the judgement. The judgement should be something, an outlet to show God’s glory. An outlet to show that when you’re weak, you are strong. I know, but  I’m timid, I’m conflicted. I’m struggling. I’m fighting with the thoughts. One day I’ll be able to bask in the glory. One day. One day I’ll be able to share my story with the world. One day I’ll be able to write that sentence. I won’t have to stare at the blinking cursor. The blinking cursor, the hesitation, the timidness.