I don’t know how many people will visit my site. I hope there will be some sort of audience, none the less, this is an outlet for me so I will continue regardless. This doesn’t mean I won’t greatly appreciate any sort of support. Any who, here is me, I am here, all of me. The good, and the bad. The stressed, and the contempt. All my busy thoughts can reside somewhere. After all these years of soaking them up; letting them rot, tear at my confidence at some points in my life.
So, confidence. I struggle with it, I’m sure you’ve struggled with it. The very essence of the word troubles me. There is a balance that has to be struck, but the difficulty of this task can be unbearable at points. One can’t be too confident, or the world will step on you like you are a disgusting rodent crawling on the earth. And you have to maintain some sort of confidence or, again, the world will crush you. I’ve felt the weight of both worlds, both entities. For the most part, though (and most of my close peers can attest to this fact) I’ve lived my life scraping the bottom of the barrel. Whatever society would not use. Whatever was left, I would (and still do) scurry over, cradle all that I could gather. The depressing part about it is, even the confidence I do have jumbles in my grasp. I wander through life in some instances, afraid of my own identity. I yearn to laugh. I yearn to be a part of the picture, but I’m afraid my piece won’t fit in with the picture. One would look at the picture and wonder why the artist did that. Why would he leave that in there? I’m afraid of judgement. I think we all are. We’re all afraid to look over our own walls, to scope out the horizon. Sometimes, even the best of us; the ones most confident, can’t find the time to fully find themselves. No one has the time, patience nor the necessary confidence to conquer life. To bring light onto the complex beings that we are. Haven’t you questioned this?
The thing is, I know you have. You do it every day. You stress on it. You ask for a vacation, time off, but once you receive the time, nothing is accomplished. There is no patience. The existence of human beings in the present is progress. I’ve realized, though with the short time that I’ve lived on this Earth, sometimes progress can occur without having the progress per say. If we settle in the minds, the great minds that we are gifted with, we can find some self guidance. What I’m struggling with is this. I don’t have the time, patience nor the confidence. I’ve struggled finding a meaning beyond the spiritual sense. I know God has a plan for me, but what and when? The vision of the future is blurry, and convoluted. I don’t know my talents. Well, I do know them, but what do others think? Do I share it with them? Are you listening still? I’m sorry, I had to ask because throughout my life, I’ve been the outsider. The one who found a small place in the conversation; a place that confines me. I’ve found a certain contempt within myself in this, but sometimes I am granted a say, and I can’t take advantage because of my worries. The solitude weighs heavy on my soul. The grasp is very tight.
Where shall I go?