Fragmented

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Chapter 6:

I don’t know if you’ve had these moments but I hope you have. The moments where you feel as if you are stuck in the introduction of a story. You feel like you haven’t done anything. No accomplishments, no medals, no boundaries crossed, no innovations. The list can go on and on. I sit there and ponder the life that I want. I sit there and visualize outlets for my passions, I watch college lectures, I watch interviews, I research. I attempt to find a path that would be as I’ve said before, could fit into the puzzle. I don’t want to end up stuck. I don’t want to be contempt. I want to live in a world that is as close to a utopia as possible. I know, I realize that this world will not be filled with joy. I realize that life will always sustain its downfalls.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but the fact that sometimes I sit there and feel as if I’m stuck in space. I’m stuck. I live in this world of a daily routine where I become this robotic fixture. This machine that completes his duties and recycles his thoughts. A machine that is molded by what society wants me to be. They want me to have great test scores, they want me to have good grades, they want me to be a doctor, lawyer. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be a mindless robot. I don’t want to live in disgust of my own life. To live in regret of everything I’ve done.

I’ll search. I’ll find it. I know I will, with God’s light but the thoughts they always bother me. They twist my head to coincide with doubt, to correlate with failure. The rebound of life sometimes is insane. Sometimes you’ll feel like you have it all figured out. The world will quickly take that away from you. The people who stick their chest out never make it that far.

Sometimes I find comfort. Sometimes the streams of my mind can flow gently. The horizon very wide, the sun kisses my skin ever so softly but there are the times that this is not the case. The world within myself crashes down. The darkness creeps over the light. The conflicted mind will always bother me. I concluded that it might be a search for self improvement. Maybe it is some sort of perfectionist trait, but still the creature that is within is a blessing and a curse. In its own right, the mind I have doesn’t let me settle. Well, it’s a paradox. I’m always moving, yet my mind settles. The mind basks in the deep river, the ocean of thought. And one of my struggles is letting those thoughts out, letting those thoughts go into action. I might do decent. I might do well but the potential has not been reached. The height of the world, the uniqueness of the mind, and the complex simplicity of nature, I believe will never coincide. The drowning of my own being. The superstition of my own thought. The bible teaches that timidness is something that should be avoided. I feel like I’ve improved, but I’m not where I want to be ultimately. I want to be at a point where I can open up completely. I can spread my wings and soar through the world. Yet there is judgement. Alex, you should be able to take the judgement. The judgement should be something, an outlet to show God’s glory. An outlet to show that when you’re weak, you are strong. I know, but  I’m timid, I’m conflicted. I’m struggling. I’m fighting with the thoughts. One day I’ll be able to bask in the glory. One day. One day I’ll be able to share my story with the world. One day I’ll be able to write that sentence. I won’t have to stare at the blinking cursor. The blinking cursor, the hesitation, the timidness.

 

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