Chapter 9:

I want it so bad sometimes. Sometimes I yearn it so extreme that I dry all compassion, I pulp all the creativity away, I limit my potential to plead for an audience. I find it difficult to limit these feelings. The composition of passion demands all attention, all the passion, all interest. The back bone to success is passion, without it, the heart of innovation stops beating. Tormenting these thoughts can be, these impulses. I find myself creating another being to coincide with these feelings. A being that can solve the mystery. This being is a white flag though, a dying attempt to create a composite that is desirable for attention. I live in a fortitude within myself. I let go of my true self. I create this to find contentment. What’s ironic about it, is that this contentment isn’t worth fighting for, because it’s artificial. It lacks the necessary materials to last a lifetime.

I understand that God is the one I should be fulfilling this hollow shell with. I read passages like John 5:44 which says: “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?” I realize after reading this that Earthly, human passions don’t fulfill ourselves properly. They are futile in the end. What strikes me is that it is phrased in a question. “How?” This hits me to the core. This makes me ponder and when I’ve realized I’ve found no light at the end of the tunnel, I take into account the message.

This verse though; Matthew 6:1-4 I think can be read more clearly because of it’s specific objective. It reads:”Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. “So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. “But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,” One can get so caught up in showing compassion that they fail to maintain the memory of the roots of love. The roots of love call for unselfishness yet it can be so tempting to fall into the trap of self-absorption. This is for the naive but we are all a tad naive at our weakest, and when we gain a ton of attention we can greatly diminish the strong foundation we once had. It is so tempting to show off your accomplishments, your gratefulness, your willingness to act, but the temptations have to be withheld. How do we do this though? The fact that we are all human. We were all born in sin. Conquered by the dread of shortcomings, the weariness of feeling alone, the turbulence of trailing away from the path most traveled by. The terrorizing fact of the matter is we can never crawl out. WE can never shine a path by our lonesome self. We can never appeal to our own self image, or own aspirations that rely on attention. We can only hope to last long enough to see a glimpse of this happen. The success. The overcoming, not the shortcoming.

You can travel your mind for decades, distributing your “charismatic self,” your self made portrait. You can ask for companionship. You can debunk all of your former forbidden laws, to cast out a spell on society. You can go through trail and error, continuously for the rest of your life. You can attempt, but there is simply no success in it. You must stay true to yourself and to God. Some people are afraid to look over their own walls. They hide, hoping to escape reality. The bask in it. They follow the motionless path. They forbid themselves from wondering. They coward away from fear, yet live in it. They’ll look through a tiny hole in the fence, to find jealousy. They want it so bad. I’ve been this person and sometimes still am. The mindset is easy to obtain but I don’t recommend it. The enemy becomes yourself. To this person, who I can relate to, as I can relate to the individual who is the opposite, I ask, I plead of you to build courage. Take a step. Obtain true passion. Follow the dreams you once had. The dreams that you murdered. The dreams that you hid for the fear of judgement. Find your direction and follow the path. Don’t worry about the people. If people enjoy your true self, they will follow and accompany you on this expedition. These are your true friends. The once you can trust. The casted spell will drift away and you can live comfortably in knowing that you can walk, you can see, you can feel a glimpse of hope. The fertile grounds of your mind can begin to sprout ideas. You can express ambitions, you can reveal unvarnished tales. You can begin to understand the past, the present and the future. Escape from the mess you created. Become the person you were meant to be. I know it won’t happen right away, but fight. Continue to grow everyday. And that’s all I have to say about that.


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