Autism

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When I was younger I was yearning for a brother. I wanted so, so badly for one. Someone to go through life with. Someone I could play with. Someone I could share the same name with, share the same blood. My prayers were answered shortly after.

Everything was going fine and dandy, until something happened. We grew. We matured. We separated. He was diagnosed with autism and has had to deal with the immense pain and struggle for quite some time now. I frequently attempted to take a step. To take a valiant step, to conquer the ground had lost. I had poorly failed, I had poorly miscalculated my quest. He found himself tumbling within himself, falling deeply into the solitude of his mind. I had overstepped my boundaries. I had tackled the wrong issues. You see, for quite some time, the solution I felt was to be consisting of change. I thought I could change him. I have now realized, it’s not about the change. It is rather about connecting with the man he is. It is to found a solid relationship with the man that stands in front of me. He was not to be changed. He does not have a disability. It is just part of him. My inquisitive nature wouldn’t stand for that though, I wanted more. I wanted more answers. I wanted to be in control of the situation. He was my brother and I thought of the condition as a disease that has taken my brother. I thought of it as a disease that has engulfed the very essence of all love, all compassion, all connection. I trembled when I thought that I was losing control. I thought I was diminishing in his sight.

I’ve sadly done this. I’ve faded out of existence. I’ve served my purpose. I’ve fallen overboard and there is no rescue. What I am currently doing, is dragging whatever I have towards him. I have now put down the rubix cube and have picked up a compass. I have prayed to God many times. More than I can account accurately. I greatly care about this. There is my brother. He is right there in front of me, all I have to do is be his.

His mind is wondrous. He can travel the vast sea of intellect, travel the road less traveled by. He is within himself. He has so much potential, much more than I have. I can’t bare the sight of him not being able to pursue what ever he is passionate about. For so long I tried to be the teacher. I would listen but I would not hear. I would study the subject immensely only to find a solid wall, I could not understand. This wall is misinterpreted by many. This wall is decorated by disbelief and is painted with sorrow. I want to walk in his shoes but I’m sure he wouldn’t recommend this idea to me. He’s forced to walk in a world he doesn’t understand. In a society that doesn’t connect with him. He lives in a culture of expression and demands. Yet he doesn’t live in this world. He is forced to reconcile with the mind he has. He is chained by guilt, depression, memories, grudges. He is tormented by the servant who oppresses the modern culture. He is oppressed so greatly by this man. He wants to walk in your shoes but they simply don’t fit. Anger fills his veins, his heart pumps the dreaded liquid throughout his body. His outer being looks missing. He looks diminished but on the inside he is filled to the rim with vitality. He wants to live on the outside, trust me he does. There is an unlock able lock that prohibits this. Some people have the key to this complicated lock though. He has found some unique companions, that can appreciate him. They give him joy, while the dull life that he lives around presents the contrary.

I would love to have the key. I would enjoy the feeling for just a moment. I believe I have the key but quite possibly I misunderstand it. I’m discovering more and more the ignorance. I am trying to change this. I am trying to act like a sponge and soak up his feelings, his embodiment. I want to rent an apartment across the waters, the waters that flow in his mind. I want to reside in it and grow. I want to be able to greet the very individual, I prayed for so dearly. I want, I want, I want.

Maybe my persistence is a blessing and a curse. Maybe, he’ll never read this. Maybe, I will never get my wish. I won’t give up though. I’ve never been that type of man. I’ve nearly given up hope though. Hope is a dear friend in this world. I wish to sustain this gift of hope for all eternity but I must keep strong to do so. The wicked man within begs to diminish this. He pleads fellowship within me. I also plead. I plead for the man to leave my presence, to walk away from my sight. I am conflicted. I am drowning in my thoughts. Sometimes, I get to breathe. I get to rise above the waters. I am able to catch my breath, and smell the fragrance of life. I can walk on water, I can travel the world, I can search the galaxy. Right now, I’m stuck. I’m chained to the chair I’ve created. I’ll continue to read the book of observance. I’ll run through the broken walls, to find an outlet for my discovery.

I want my brother to coincide with me through my life. I want to be able to call him when I graduate college to check in on him. I want to be able to start a career that I am passionate about and have his support. I want to be able to be at his wedding. I want to be able to be the best man. I want to be able to play with his kids. I want to be able to be with him, to simply talk of the past. To have memories to discuss. To sit on a porch when were older and discuss life, with a sweet drink in hand. I want him to be at my wedding. I want him to love me when I lived and be able to have something to say when I’m gone. For love, is the ultimate being. I understand that this may seem odd coming from a dude but you have to understand where I’m coming from. I sure hope you do.

As always, thank you for reading. Have a blessed day.

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