Chapter 4: Emanate

Chapter 4

 

Birds spoke within my humble heart strings and flew beneath my aspirations. I was young in the starry night and fell deep into the mysterious glow of the bright, luminous clock in the sky. It gratified my longing for comfort with its image. Communication with the dark fell from the book shelves of my mind and collapsed upon my lap. It opened its mystery with delight and inspired me to continue my inquisition of this world. Who am I? Who am I to become? Where is the power? Where is my limitations? Believe and you will succeed. That is what was impressed upon me. So to do this I conquered the depths of my imagination like a foreign land ,and followed the weakness inside until I found a light to follow.

I began to yearn for that odd fellow to come alive again. Would he act the same as he does now? He might. I suppose, it doesn’t matter at all now because he isn’t with me anymore. I do long for his presence more and more. His quirkiness was the only thing constant in this land of spontaneity. In the blink of an eye, I found him. In the moment of hopelessness, I found him. I chased the man like a lost soul. I tailed his vision with my horizon and flowed beneath his glowing spirit. It was childish. It was also delightful. I was running through the cold sand and washing all my fear away. He would look over his shoulder at some points, smiling, laughing playfully. I would smile back. I went back to the days of my youth. The days I would chase my brother around the yard. He looking back and smiling. He with a twinkle in his eye and mine sparkle back. Gratitude always shivered down my spine and I would always feel like the world was beneath my feet. Like the world was all my own. Him and me, lost in a fantasy. A day to live on forever. A day to last for eternity. I was safe in my youth. I was always with him. Then we drifted apart. Then we crashed our companionship with a dazzling flame. In the quickest moment, we found ourselves in conflict everyday. Everyday was an argument. No matter the scale, it concealed my visions. It stripped the beauty of life away from me. It carried away all aspiration. I was alone. Later in my youth, not only had I lost my brother mentally but also he left the world. I was left in isolation now. I was dormant for many years. Boiling my fears under a hot flame of criticism and introverted juices. I was humbled by the cause and my skin bellowed, and fell apart. I was slowly deteriorating into what I am today. The deadly poison of the Earth had taken away the only person I truly cared about. I fell to my knees. I halted my pursuit of the companion of my mind. This was the end of that for now. I looked down at my hands. Did I have anything to do with this madness? Did have a choice? Had I been the cause of the unfortunate events of my life? My hands sweated with fear and brewed a paleness that jarred me. My face became shivering cold and my feet became numb. I vouched for the lost cause too long. I had too many guilt trips to carry out. They were tearing out my insides. I wanted to be free. So I stood up but found no signs of the man again.

This frustrated me. Engulfed within me was rage. I was frankly tired of losing. Never had I won something. Never had I been the standout. Was my death inevitable? Was I meant to be here alone? Less heartache I assume. I gradually sink beneath the sand. My vision blurs. Darkness engulfs me yet again. I hear a crow scream deathly sorrow and the wildman is cursing me beneath. He wears a red cape and holds strong pitchfork in his hand. Inside is warmth. Around me is warmth. He invites me to join him. I don’t answer. He volunteers my name to be written on the concrete plaque but again I refuse. “Lest I die down here, my spirit won’t be with you.” I simply put. “Jarring.” He responded.

He shot me back up to the surface. The island was a cold capsule now. There was no heat. The sun was now a mere memory and the blue sky is now purple with envy. I now just had realized the hunger I felt. I was ignoring it for the hunger for truth and knowledge had drifted me astray. So I went to the shore and attempted to find a crab. I found many things down by the shore but nothing resembling a crab. I was hesitant to see if any of the small creatures were edible. Most of the creatures were dark black and had some type of stinger. The most surprising feature was their eyes. They were so alive. It felt as if I was staring back at a human again.

That light. That tremendous light stretched my soul and I felt at last, home. I felt the soft touch of her again. The tender empathy of her voice. The immaculate knowledge of a mentor and a compassionate breed of dialogue that soothes the heart. That light that seemed so irritable keened an insight that gave me joy. It brought me home. It brought me where I wanted to be. It was what I wanted it to be. I could run up the hills and descend down the other side. I was home. I was. I was.

So in hindsight I see this rehabilitation as a key benefactor in my course of enlightenment. It was a time of reflection. It was a time of languor and joy. I couldn’t help but stumble along the way but that was human nature. I served under the pertinacious leader and followed his ruling. In this epiphany he delighted me a vision. He also more importantly gave me quest. First of all he told me to apologize to you guys. I am going to repeat what he told me to tell you; I am sorry. I have misdirected my narrative to multiple directions. I am a ball of playdough forming in a child’s delicate hands. I am here but am diluted in the immensities of this world. I am here with you, but estranged from this universe. My stories serve a journey for which to focus upon. The narrative for which I tell is a multiplied cry played by the beat of my drum. I am voicing from the heart. The stories are a mass of quests for which I must pursue to find myself. This is a calling. This is alliteration. This is all that I enjoy in a bundle of mystery.

So after I repeated these words he handed me a few books. A package of occult fantasies fulfilled by pencil and paper. “I want to live in these.” I told the man. “You are already. Life is the paper and you are the pen.” He responded with a mellow voice.  Befuddled, yet rejuvenated, I asked the being : “where am I to go?” He responded quickly “Go where you feel is best.” I closed my eyes and found myself lost yet again. Isn’t that a surprise. There was a sprouting city that emerged from the abyss and the strange man slowly dissipated. Many people walked the streets of this city. It was so narrow and straight forward. The concrete edges, the rectangular corners of the streets, the furious cloud that submerged the life down below. The melancholy of construction drowned my ears.  A man came up to me with a surge of momentum. He was severely unstable and collapsed in my arms. He explained to me the dread he’s seen. I found myself inarticulate, fumbling with my words like a jumping ocean. I searched and searched but found nothing. No light. An owl sat on the lone brick building to my right and it had made me turn completely around to observe its majesty. I misinterpreted the flashing streetlights as a forged message tailed to my failures. I felt it was a sense of remembrance. A sense of knowledge. Those flickering lights. The murmurs of the running tail pipes. The drowning sun. The humble moon. The lone owl. Where was I in the mix?

The man in my arms, slapped me in my face and smiled. Well, isn’t that polite, so I asked him the obvious: “Why’d you do that?” “I thought you needed a good slap in the face.” I thought for a moment, after of course the initial feelings of pretentiousness. Of course I was going to be pertinacious, this was my misunderstood land, how dare you slap me in my face. Sliding under the gate of ignorance, I said; “thank you.” I had judged him not on the intention of his action but of my reaction to his action. A complex tendency that inhibits our day to day and yet again it has struck with a vengeance. To me it had been a piece of the puzzle that seems like it doesn’t fit. That one piece that no one can find. That is to be judgement free. That is to embrace the escapism bribed in the wind by a trailing fire. A intelect beyond measure, to be able to take in the moment for what it is. The man slapped me again, so I recited the great George Bush “shame on me” quote. This resembled no sort of coherent argument to my cause, rather he was left puzzled.

“What’s that in your hand?”

“It’s a book.”

“Is it good?”

“It’s not finished?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m writing it.”

“That’s interesting. We aren’t allowed to write.”

“That’s unfortunate. I think everyone should.”
As I stated that last line a disaster had stirred. The tall buildings crumbled, the gray sky dawned a fiery yellow and the already hopeless people became even more. A wanton gust of wind grabbed a hold of me. The sky still falling and the search for destiny still rang in my ears. I felt in oblivion, casted under a spell, to live dormant for eternity.  Were these repercussions? Was I lost for a reason? The daunting wind  tumbled me through the paralleling city. A black hole emerged through the absence of light before me. The air grew thin as I flew closer. The skin on my face pulled back and hair on my arms stood. I was blistered with marks of fear and doubt. The vicious spirit pulled me into the abyss. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. I knew nothing. Nothing at all. I marveled at the dark. It had lured me into thinking it is perfect. I lay on my back. I look up and all around. I lay there for, it felt like days. Just resting in my thoughts. Just reflecting on the inconsistency that had been founded so far. I found no end to the darkness. It had only found the end of me. It seemed to have reached inside me, excreting the marrow from my bones, filling my veins with dread, pumping my heart, and coiling down the crevices of my brain. It was the darkness that lead me to the light. I kept repeating that phrase, over and over again. A small ounce of optimism riddled me. I felt cause for comfort. It only had now dawned on me that there was beauty in the balance; the lightness and the dark. They both had caressed me at some point. They both had delved into my spirit. They both had wrote a chapter in my life. A light blinked in the blank portrait. It grew brighter. It seemed to overwhelm the darkness and little by little I was blinded by the light. It gave me a different perspective, as did the darkness did. A ball of fire burst. It surrounded me. I was burned in its magnificent power. The universe had appeared. It roamed in order. All of them. Their vibrant colors painting the new horizon.

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